They were being unbelievably rude to my son--and if this is about me not telling you about how you died I have told you over and over again that I am literally, physically unable to do so. Why don't you believe me?
What have I done to give you reason to doubt me? Everything I said I could do, I have done to the best of my ability. You are the first person I have told any new developments too, even if in the case of Saix was a few hours after it happened.
You said it yourself, didn't you? How can I trust someone who knows everything about me while my memories don't exist? How do I know you're not standing there day by day lying to me?
What reason would I have to lie to you for this long? You're my shinki. If I wanted to force you to do something, there are no doubt easier ways to do than maintaining an elaborate lie that involves my son who I didn't even know about.
[And immediately, there are sounds of Leo going to bang on Niles's door before he stops. He manages to control his voice so he doesn't get angry or emotional, but it's obvious he's trying to control his voice.]
You are much more than only my retainer--ah, my shinki, Niles, and you have been for as long as I've known you. I guess I've forgotten how to win your trust after so long. But I do care. I have always cared. If I didn't, I wouldn't give you the freedoms I do. I wouldn't constantly repeat myself when you ask me how you died.
[Niles is trying not to get upset. He doesn't understand why. He doesn't understand any of this. It hurts. He shouldn't care about what Leo thinks or if Leo is upset, but he does.
And it stings him as he leans against the door.]
I... I want visual proof. I want to see something with my own eye to show that you care. I want to know that you can't tell me the truth about how I die.
I don't want your words, Leo! I can't touch words, I can't feel if they're true or not. Give me proof.
[He presses his face against the door, not even controlling his voice. He sounds completely out of control.]
[This time Leo does hit Niles's door, but it's gentle and mostly out of frustration]
If I even attempt to tell you, something terrible and irrevocable will happen and I will not put you through that. I could not live with myself if I hurt you that way, Niles.
[He can hardly live himself now, knowing how Niles died for him]
But I can and will find you something to show that I mean you no harm. I promise, Niles.
I don't care about that. I want to know. Why do you get to decide what I know in the first place?!
[Hakkai told him to make it as his new life, but there's something in him that just won't let this thing go. And he's not going to be so nice about it going forward.]
I didn't make that decision, Niles. If I could, I would have told you everything the moment I saw you here and realized what had happened. But I can't, and it's the more powerful gods who make that decision and the consequences.
[He thinks. It gives Niles someone else to blame, at least]
...if I answer prayers, will you still want to go with me? I know how to use you, and I frankly trust you more than I trust Saix. If you'd rather not, I...understand, and won't force you.
Are you listening to what you're saying? Asking me to do work with you because you trust me. When you're supposed to be doing something so I can trust you?
[He pauses for a moment, keeping his eye shut and rubbing his face.]
Until I have proof I can trust you... do it with him. I'm not about to be dragged along.
[He doesn't reply to that. How can he? He just sits quietly and keeps himself pressed against the door, waiting to hear the man go back to whatever he was doing before.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2016-08-25 03:45 am (UTC)[He can tell]
What did I do this time?
no subject
Date: 2016-08-25 03:47 am (UTC)[He takes a sip of his coffee.]
I see you had time to deal with someone on the network, however. So I'm glad that was a priority.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-25 03:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-08-25 03:50 am (UTC)[But he's not going to say that he was doing his best to help. Two of them can keep secrets.]
What exactly have you done to prove that I should believe you?
no subject
Date: 2016-08-25 03:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-08-25 03:54 am (UTC)[He turns to look at him.]
You said it yourself, didn't you? How can I trust someone who knows everything about me while my memories don't exist? How do I know you're not standing there day by day lying to me?
[He moves to stand up.]
What proof do you have except your words?
no subject
Date: 2016-08-25 03:57 am (UTC)What reason would I have to lie to you for this long? You're my shinki. If I wanted to force you to do something, there are no doubt easier ways to do than maintaining an elaborate lie that involves my son who I didn't even know about.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-25 03:59 am (UTC)[He moves to push past Leo and goes towards his bedroom.]
Your other shinki is in his room. Maybe if that works out for you, you can have someone who willingly goes along with what you say.
[And immediately, the door is slammed.]
no subject
Date: 2016-08-25 04:06 am (UTC)You are much more than only my retainer--ah, my shinki, Niles, and you have been for as long as I've known you. I guess I've forgotten how to win your trust after so long. But I do care. I have always cared. If I didn't, I wouldn't give you the freedoms I do. I wouldn't constantly repeat myself when you ask me how you died.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-25 04:10 am (UTC)And it stings him as he leans against the door.]
I... I want visual proof. I want to see something with my own eye to show that you care. I want to know that you can't tell me the truth about how I die.
I don't want your words, Leo! I can't touch words, I can't feel if they're true or not. Give me proof.
[He presses his face against the door, not even controlling his voice. He sounds completely out of control.]
no subject
Date: 2016-08-25 04:17 am (UTC)If I even attempt to tell you, something terrible and irrevocable will happen and I will not put you through that. I could not live with myself if I hurt you that way, Niles.
[He can hardly live himself now, knowing how Niles died for him]
But I can and will find you something to show that I mean you no harm. I promise, Niles.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-25 04:21 am (UTC)[Hakkai told him to make it as his new life, but there's something in him that just won't let this thing go. And he's not going to be so nice about it going forward.]
...Fine. Do that then.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-25 04:26 am (UTC)[He thinks. It gives Niles someone else to blame, at least]
...if I answer prayers, will you still want to go with me? I know how to use you, and I frankly trust you more than I trust Saix. If you'd rather not, I...understand, and won't force you.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-25 04:48 am (UTC)[He pauses for a moment, keeping his eye shut and rubbing his face.]
Until I have proof I can trust you... do it with him. I'm not about to be dragged along.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-25 04:50 am (UTC)[He pauses]
I will...leave you alone now. And...I am sorry for failing you thus far, Niles.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-29 06:35 pm (UTC)