[ Saizo gives a grunt, watching Kagero depart with their lord to finish the day's work, eye lidded as he switches his attention to Niles instead. His arms are folded, posture as relaxed as it gets--which isn't very, but it's slightly more than usual. Slightly. ]
[ Saizo is not a concierge. Saizo is basically Niles without the innuendos, but... better. Because if anyone insisted anything to the contrary, he would fight them. ]
Keeping your training up is important. You could also explore the castle to better familiarize yourself with your lord's holdings.
I trained to survive, Saizo. I, apparently, don't need to survive anymore. But exploring the castle... I think I will.
[He'll just start walking. Walking, walking, walking. Opening doors and peaking into places.
Tomorrow, they'll be getting engaged, and he's still feeling nervous about it. So, when he thinks he's alone, near one of the gardens, he just flops down near some of the flowers and let's himself be nervous and worried.
Which includes just heavy breathing and rubbing his face.]
[ Saizo is a ninja because he flunked out of tour guide school. ]
Everything is survival, even life in the castle. It's best you know all of your options now.
[ And so Saizo follows Niles dutifully, talking in blunt, clipped sentences about varying places in Shirasagi... and occasionally showing Niles a secret--a hidden servants' hallway, or the ninja entrance and exit to a room. He's eyeing Niles like he's lost his mind by the time they hit a garden, fading into the background to let Niles have a panic attack for a moment... while sending a young shinobi in training to find Ryoma. Quickly. Please.
[As he's walking through, however, he's barely listening to Saizo. He can hear what he's saying, and he keeps taking it in, but the thoughts of what's coming up start to overwhelm him.
As he sits there now, breathing and running his hand over his face, he starts to try and pick himself up. He doesn't want to disturb anyone with this. Instead, he wants to just breathe and get over it.
This is so different from being at home and working under Leo. He already feels overwhelmed by all of this already.
Maybe he should've kept Ryoma for a bit longer on.]
[ Saizo continues his quiet attempt at patter, talking in a low voice as Niles sort of... stops to have a good freakout. Saizo doesn't know how emotions work. What is he supposed to do with this?
While he contemplates those mysteries, Ryoma arrives, shining and resplendent and entirely better equipped to handle this, and that's saying some shit. He moves quietly behind his lover. ]
[Niles's eye goes wide as he quickly stands up to turn around to look at him. He wasn't crying, at least, but his breathing is heavy and his mind is running.]
[ Well, that's worrying--though not as worrying as it would be if Niles were out and out crying, of course. He takes his lover's hands, drawing him in close so that he can press an almost chaste kiss to his forehead. ]
[He can't pretend it's all okay. That's not going to help. He shuts his eye for a moment as Ryoma places a kiss to his forehead.
It's a side Niles hid for years. He doesn't want anyone to see him weak or showing emotion like this. A fear that he's going to let everyone he loves down, and that he's only going to end up hurting Ryoma. He lets Ryoma kiss him as he stands there.]
...It's a lot. We're not even at the point of announcing our engagement, and it feels like... I'm going to misstep and hurt you.
[He squeezes onto Ryoma's sides.]
I love you more than I love anyone. And I only want to make sure I do it right so that you and Hoshido aren't ashamed by the actions of this outlaw... who wants nothing more than to love you until the day he dies.
[He's being honest. And honesty, for him, has always hurt.]
[ ... perhaps it should be as worrying as if Niles were openly crying. Ryoma cups his face, expression unreadable as Niles' bares his heart, focusing on the worry lines in his face, the open pain in his eye. He doesn't know how to fix it; they don't cover how to weather through an emotional crisis while you're standing over troop maps and listening to reports.
He has no idea what he's doing, but he has to try anyway. ]
Do you want to wait to announce our engagement, then?
[ He swallows down his own fears; his own feelings of being too much. His reputation, his crown, his meaning is so much more than Ryoma himself could ever be, and that's... overwhelming. [
There's little you could do to disappoint me, Niles, and little consideration you should pay to anyone else in this life... but I suppose that's easy for me to say.
[Niles reaches slowly to touch his hands. He doesn't want to drag Ryoma down into his feelings of sadness and hurt him more than he has.]
...No. I don't think these feelings of worry will leave if we post-pone it.
[Niles grips onto him and holds him in place while he just tries to breathe and relax in his arms.]
And I don't want to wait either. [Pressing against him. Squeezing onto him with a sigh.] I just don't know how to handle these feelings... It's nothing I'm used to, being considered less than human and all... the worry about making everyone, including yourself, happy.
[Vulnerability sucks ass.]
...Just... promise me that if I do mess up tomorrow and I make you look like an idiot, you'll continue to love me.
[ Ryoma's here to shoulder Niles' burdens with him, remember? He takes Niles' hands, squeezing gently as he moves to rest his forehead against the blond's, watching him with such fondness in his eye as he moves to hold him close instead. It's so strange, seeing Niles so... on the back foot, off his game.
There's no sly mockery and just-barely hidden barbs here. ]
You are the only person I hold above my country, Niles. Your happiness means everything to me. Anything that I can do for you, anything I can say, or try... please, tell me. I only want to see you smile.
[ ... and there's a sober look on Ryoma's face, somber and drawn. ]
You could put a dagger to my throat tonight in bed and I'd still love you, Niles.
[Niles is so used to handling his own burdens and problems that someone else doing it for him, and someone offering to pick him up to carry him to safety. From birth, he's pretty much had to stand up on his own.
He doesn't know how to deal with the fact that Ryoma is promising to shoulder so much. He looks at him with a shaky nod. He feels vulnerable. And scared in a way.]
Just... please... promise to love me no matter what I do tomorrow.
[He wants to hear those exact words. Maybe then he can relax.]
No matter what happens tomorrow, Niles, I will always love you.
[ He holds his fiance tight, hand cupping around the back of his neck so that he's made to lock eye with Ryoma while he says it. His words burn with all the intensity he can muster, sincere and stern. He is unwavering, unblinking. ]
[Niles just looks at Ryoma and knows his words are true. He'd feel foolish if not for the fact that Ryoma is indulging these crazy thoughts that he's having without even smiling at them.]
[ There's a moment of softness in Ryoma. He so rarely bares anything about himself to anyone, but Niles calls to the softness kept deep under duty and stoicism; Ryoma lays his heart at Niles' feet, for better or for worse. The softness gives way to amusement--another rare emotion for Ryoma to display--as he fixes at Niles' hair. ]
You may frustrate and confuse me at, at times, but know that I love you. Almost nothing you could do will stop me from loving you--and annoying the nobility is nowhere near my limits.
[ Ryoma laughs then, affection and amusement giving way to a measure of embarrassment. ]
I'll try harder, next time. Someday, I'll come up with something as passionate as the lovers of eld.
[ ... or the ones in the books in his desk that he definitely doesn't read when he's got some free time and would start ripping his hair out if he had to read another line of policy writing. ]
Niles. Love.
[ He catches his chin, tipping his head up so that they're eyes to eye, leaning in to press his forehead to his fiance's with a soft sigh and a chuckle. ]
You're the man I chose. You're already my perfect spouse. I never thought I'd take the privilege of choosing my own marriage, but here I am... desperately in love and on the cusp of having you by my side forever. How lucky can one man be?
[He could say something about how much luckier he would be if Niles could behave, or how much better off he'd be if he found a spouse that didn't want to fight nobility....
But Niles knew that was on him to begin with.
He knew he would have to change and be someone else. Be a better behaved person, a kinder person, to the nobility. Ryoma says he's perfect... he doesn't believe that. He's never been perfect.
What he has been perfect at is putting on a false face.]
You'll make me blush, you know... [He chuckles a bit, moving his hand to touch him on the side.] I promise... I'm not going anywhere... we'll be married so soon.
[ Ryoma is not a stupid man. He's an excellent tactician and reader of people; he's good at game of riddles that most people call politics. He's not afraid to push someone until they play their hand and reveal what they're truly thinking.
... but with Niles, he wants to be softer. Kinder. Niles is something tender and sweet for him; something he wants to treasure. The thought of making him lay the strange sense of 'something' bare when he's working so hard to keep it muted turns Ryoma's stomach. He doesn't want his lover upset before their wedding day.
He'll find out, in time. For now, he smiles, hand moving to rest over Niles' as he cups his face, stroking a thumb over that sharp cheekbone as he brushes his lips against his lover's. ]
I cannot wait to call you my heart before the whole of the kingdom, and everyone I love. You're the world to me, Niles. Please, don't discard that so quickly.
[But keeping this muted doesn't make him feel better. He doesn't feel as if he can keep it quiet for long. Even now, his fingers, moving behind his back fiddle as if he's afraid of spilling the truth and making Ryoma mad at him for being unable to control himself.
It begins to read on his face. The moment he holds himself in such a way where he's unable to just spill the truth like he normally would makes him feel uneasy.
But sacrafices must be made.
He moves to kiss him back, his eye shutting at the touch, as he begins to softly smile again.]
I won't Ryoma... for you. I won't toss your love away.
[He wonders if now, Ryoma would push. Tomorrow was their big party, and he knew he had to stand up straight and act as if he was the ultimate husband for Ryoma. Even as everyone else might disagree.]
[ ... he catches that uncertainty. That flicker of apprehension, that pain. Ryoma meets it with a frown of his own--he stands, hands cupped around Niles as if he's the most precious thing in the world, looking into the precipice of some darker, unhappier unknown. Part of Ryoma doesn't want to push; the part of him that walled of his emotions from his siblings, the part of him that was ready to stand as king at age twelve if something happened to his last custodial parent.
The part of him that has no heart; that is a king, a leader, a figure--not a man. Not a lover. Not a husband. He thinks of Takumi's struggles, of Sakura's, of Hinoka's--of how they were all wounded in their own ways and hiding it, because everyone wanted to be strong in the wake of their tragedies. He thought, back then, that if he waited, things would come to light at the right time.
... but there is no right time. Wounds fester if they aren't cleaned. ]
Niles, my love. My heart. [ He needs to step over that precipice, even if there's nothing but a drop waiting on the other side. He needs to let Niles know that he's here to reach for him. ]
[Ryoma is so soft. With niles, he is often soft, but today. Today, here, now, in the face of all of this... he just looks at him. Those eyes are soft. Those hands are gentle... and he feels here. That he has to say something before he eats himself alive. With the swallow of the lump in his throat, and the feeling of the body close to him.]
...I'm struggling to say what I'm thinking now... because all I am thinking is what all I'm expected to be.
[He moves closer. He doesn't know how to explain the fear in his heart, how it's beating faster and faster. How he wonders what he'll look like, in front of everyone of Hoshido. Will he look kind? Cruel? Will he make Ryoma proud?]
I'm used to being a cold, cruel, nasty outlaw who says what he thinks and doesn't look back on it... but I'm going to be entering the world of politics for the first time as something more than a man to shit talk every noble in a room.
[He looks at Ryoma.]
I fear I'll be unable to make you happy, Ryoma. By the fact that I have no idea how to be anything more than a man who's only knowledge is cruelty.
[ For a long moment, Ryoma watches Niles, face somewhat inscrutable as he truly weighs Niles' words. There are plenty of quick consolations that jump to his tongue--and he swallows them down, because pain like this doesn't soothe with soft petting and 'it'll be fine'. He thinks, and then draws Niles to him for another kiss--and then he's tugging Niles along, leading him to sit so that they're facing each other, knees touching and still holding close.
He then gives a nod, eyes training on Niles once more when he's found his words and arranged them. ]
The first thing I need to assure you of is that you always make me happy, Niles. Your mere presence in a room brings lightness to my heart. You are my song, my sun; I love you so much it scares me, sometimes. The thought of you departing from me sends a chill through my body. You are... so much to me. Even if you were to scorn me, to turn me away, to return to Nohr--you would take the truth of my heart and leave me a king, rather than a man.
[ He breathes, trying to take the fine tremor out of his hands--he rolls his shoulders, settling his resolve once more. ]
You have been through so much in your life--it's almost strange that you have capacity for kindness at all. That said, there are times that the silver dagger of your tongue strikes too cruelly, too often--and there are times I wish it wouldn't. However--however.
[ A squeeze of the cheeks, to make sure that Niles hadn't retreated into his own pain, his own self-doubt. ]
There is a time and a place for everything. The ideal Hoshidan spouse... should possess a quality akin to silk hiding steel. I would like to see you practice some softness--but I wouldn't see you chain yourself to that softness, especially if it's met with someone who doesn't deserve your kindness. You should keep that edge, that cruelty--there are men you'll meet that deserve nothing better. But if you can present that softness first; the manners, the subtle deflections, that may be... better. But I don't have every answer. I think you should live the truth of your life, bravely and boldly. We can figure it out together.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2018-06-28 06:06 pm (UTC)Perhaps you should busy yourself with something.
no subject
Date: 2018-06-28 06:19 pm (UTC)[Looking towards him with a chuckle.]
It's not as if I have much to busy myself with. I could train some more, but it almost seems like a waste.
no subject
Date: 2018-06-29 10:58 am (UTC)Keeping your training up is important. You could also explore the castle to better familiarize yourself with your lord's holdings.
no subject
Date: 2018-06-30 03:10 am (UTC)I trained to survive, Saizo. I, apparently, don't need to survive anymore. But exploring the castle... I think I will.
[He'll just start walking. Walking, walking, walking. Opening doors and peaking into places.
Tomorrow, they'll be getting engaged, and he's still feeling nervous about it. So, when he thinks he's alone, near one of the gardens, he just flops down near some of the flowers and let's himself be nervous and worried.
Which includes just heavy breathing and rubbing his face.]
no subject
Date: 2018-06-30 04:06 pm (UTC)Everything is survival, even life in the castle. It's best you know all of your options now.
[ And so Saizo follows Niles dutifully, talking in blunt, clipped sentences about varying places in Shirasagi... and occasionally showing Niles a secret--a hidden servants' hallway, or the ninja entrance and exit to a room. He's eyeing Niles like he's lost his mind by the time they hit a garden, fading into the background to let Niles have a panic attack for a moment... while sending a young shinobi in training to find Ryoma. Quickly. Please.
Ryoma will be there in about ten minutes. ]
no subject
Date: 2018-06-30 11:28 pm (UTC)[As he's walking through, however, he's barely listening to Saizo. He can hear what he's saying, and he keeps taking it in, but the thoughts of what's coming up start to overwhelm him.
As he sits there now, breathing and running his hand over his face, he starts to try and pick himself up. He doesn't want to disturb anyone with this. Instead, he wants to just breathe and get over it.
This is so different from being at home and working under Leo. He already feels overwhelmed by all of this already.
Maybe he should've kept Ryoma for a bit longer on.]
no subject
Date: 2018-07-17 05:24 pm (UTC)While he contemplates those mysteries, Ryoma arrives, shining and resplendent and entirely better equipped to handle this, and that's saying some shit. He moves quietly behind his lover. ]
Are you all right?
no subject
Date: 2018-07-20 03:45 am (UTC)Ah, Ryoma... I'm alright.
[Reaching to touch his hands.]
Just... thinking. About... the wedding.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-22 09:41 pm (UTC)Good thoughts, I hope?
no subject
Date: 2018-07-24 06:14 am (UTC)It's a side Niles hid for years. He doesn't want anyone to see him weak or showing emotion like this. A fear that he's going to let everyone he loves down, and that he's only going to end up hurting Ryoma. He lets Ryoma kiss him as he stands there.]
...It's a lot. We're not even at the point of announcing our engagement, and it feels like... I'm going to misstep and hurt you.
[He squeezes onto Ryoma's sides.]
I love you more than I love anyone. And I only want to make sure I do it right so that you and Hoshido aren't ashamed by the actions of this outlaw... who wants nothing more than to love you until the day he dies.
[He's being honest. And honesty, for him, has always hurt.]
no subject
Date: 2018-07-26 05:13 am (UTC)He has no idea what he's doing, but he has to try anyway. ]
Do you want to wait to announce our engagement, then?
[ He swallows down his own fears; his own feelings of being too much. His reputation, his crown, his meaning is so much more than Ryoma himself could ever be, and that's... overwhelming. [
There's little you could do to disappoint me, Niles, and little consideration you should pay to anyone else in this life... but I suppose that's easy for me to say.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-26 05:27 am (UTC)...No. I don't think these feelings of worry will leave if we post-pone it.
[Niles grips onto him and holds him in place while he just tries to breathe and relax in his arms.]
And I don't want to wait either. [Pressing against him. Squeezing onto him with a sigh.] I just don't know how to handle these feelings... It's nothing I'm used to, being considered less than human and all... the worry about making everyone, including yourself, happy.
[Vulnerability sucks ass.]
...Just... promise me that if I do mess up tomorrow and I make you look like an idiot, you'll continue to love me.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-26 05:33 am (UTC)There's no sly mockery and just-barely hidden barbs here. ]
You are the only person I hold above my country, Niles. Your happiness means everything to me. Anything that I can do for you, anything I can say, or try... please, tell me. I only want to see you smile.
[ ... and there's a sober look on Ryoma's face, somber and drawn. ]
You could put a dagger to my throat tonight in bed and I'd still love you, Niles.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-26 05:40 am (UTC)He doesn't know how to deal with the fact that Ryoma is promising to shoulder so much. He looks at him with a shaky nod. He feels vulnerable. And scared in a way.]
Just... please... promise to love me no matter what I do tomorrow.
[He wants to hear those exact words. Maybe then he can relax.]
no subject
Date: 2018-07-26 02:29 pm (UTC)[ He holds his fiance tight, hand cupping around the back of his neck so that he's made to lock eye with Ryoma while he says it. His words burn with all the intensity he can muster, sincere and stern. He is unwavering, unblinking. ]
I love you, Niles.
no subject
Date: 2018-08-05 03:58 am (UTC)...I love you too, Ryoma.
no subject
Date: 2018-08-09 02:58 pm (UTC)You may frustrate and confuse me at, at times, but know that I love you. Almost nothing you could do will stop me from loving you--and annoying the nobility is nowhere near my limits.
no subject
Date: 2018-08-16 10:38 pm (UTC)That was almost romantic.
[But he knows he's frustrating and confusing to everyone, including Leo, so Ryoma isn't really an exception.]
I just... want to be the best spouse for you.
no subject
Date: 2018-08-27 11:25 am (UTC)I'll try harder, next time. Someday, I'll come up with something as passionate as the lovers of eld.
[ ... or the ones in the books in his desk that he definitely doesn't read when he's got some free time and would start ripping his hair out if he had to read another line of policy writing. ]
Niles. Love.
[ He catches his chin, tipping his head up so that they're eyes to eye, leaning in to press his forehead to his fiance's with a soft sigh and a chuckle. ]
You're the man I chose. You're already my perfect spouse. I never thought I'd take the privilege of choosing my own marriage, but here I am... desperately in love and on the cusp of having you by my side forever. How lucky can one man be?
no subject
Date: 2018-09-02 06:05 am (UTC)But Niles knew that was on him to begin with.
He knew he would have to change and be someone else. Be a better behaved person, a kinder person, to the nobility. Ryoma says he's perfect... he doesn't believe that. He's never been perfect.
What he has been perfect at is putting on a false face.]
You'll make me blush, you know... [He chuckles a bit, moving his hand to touch him on the side.] I promise... I'm not going anywhere... we'll be married so soon.
no subject
Date: 2018-09-30 05:05 pm (UTC)[ Ryoma is not a stupid man. He's an excellent tactician and reader of people; he's good at game of riddles that most people call politics. He's not afraid to push someone until they play their hand and reveal what they're truly thinking.
... but with Niles, he wants to be softer. Kinder. Niles is something tender and sweet for him; something he wants to treasure. The thought of making him lay the strange sense of 'something' bare when he's working so hard to keep it muted turns Ryoma's stomach. He doesn't want his lover upset before their wedding day.
He'll find out, in time. For now, he smiles, hand moving to rest over Niles' as he cups his face, stroking a thumb over that sharp cheekbone as he brushes his lips against his lover's. ]
I cannot wait to call you my heart before the whole of the kingdom, and everyone I love. You're the world to me, Niles. Please, don't discard that so quickly.
no subject
Date: 2018-09-30 05:11 pm (UTC)It begins to read on his face. The moment he holds himself in such a way where he's unable to just spill the truth like he normally would makes him feel uneasy.
But sacrafices must be made.
He moves to kiss him back, his eye shutting at the touch, as he begins to softly smile again.]
I won't Ryoma... for you. I won't toss your love away.
[He wonders if now, Ryoma would push. Tomorrow was their big party, and he knew he had to stand up straight and act as if he was the ultimate husband for Ryoma. Even as everyone else might disagree.]
no subject
Date: 2018-09-30 05:20 pm (UTC)The part of him that has no heart; that is a king, a leader, a figure--not a man. Not a lover. Not a husband. He thinks of Takumi's struggles, of Sakura's, of Hinoka's--of how they were all wounded in their own ways and hiding it, because everyone wanted to be strong in the wake of their tragedies. He thought, back then, that if he waited, things would come to light at the right time.
... but there is no right time. Wounds fester if they aren't cleaned. ]
Niles, my love. My heart. [ He needs to step over that precipice, even if there's nothing but a drop waiting on the other side. He needs to let Niles know that he's here to reach for him. ]
What's causing you such heartache?
no subject
Date: 2018-09-30 05:26 pm (UTC)...I'm struggling to say what I'm thinking now... because all I am thinking is what all I'm expected to be.
[He moves closer. He doesn't know how to explain the fear in his heart, how it's beating faster and faster. How he wonders what he'll look like, in front of everyone of Hoshido. Will he look kind? Cruel? Will he make Ryoma proud?]
I'm used to being a cold, cruel, nasty outlaw who says what he thinks and doesn't look back on it... but I'm going to be entering the world of politics for the first time as something more than a man to shit talk every noble in a room.
[He looks at Ryoma.]
I fear I'll be unable to make you happy, Ryoma. By the fact that I have no idea how to be anything more than a man who's only knowledge is cruelty.
no subject
Date: 2018-09-30 05:35 pm (UTC)He then gives a nod, eyes training on Niles once more when he's found his words and arranged them. ]
The first thing I need to assure you of is that you always make me happy, Niles. Your mere presence in a room brings lightness to my heart. You are my song, my sun; I love you so much it scares me, sometimes. The thought of you departing from me sends a chill through my body. You are... so much to me. Even if you were to scorn me, to turn me away, to return to Nohr--you would take the truth of my heart and leave me a king, rather than a man.
[ He breathes, trying to take the fine tremor out of his hands--he rolls his shoulders, settling his resolve once more. ]
You have been through so much in your life--it's almost strange that you have capacity for kindness at all. That said, there are times that the silver dagger of your tongue strikes too cruelly, too often--and there are times I wish it wouldn't. However--however.
[ A squeeze of the cheeks, to make sure that Niles hadn't retreated into his own pain, his own self-doubt. ]
There is a time and a place for everything. The ideal Hoshidan spouse... should possess a quality akin to silk hiding steel. I would like to see you practice some softness--but I wouldn't see you chain yourself to that softness, especially if it's met with someone who doesn't deserve your kindness. You should keep that edge, that cruelty--there are men you'll meet that deserve nothing better. But if you can present that softness first; the manners, the subtle deflections, that may be... better. But I don't have every answer. I think you should live the truth of your life, bravely and boldly. We can figure it out together.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From: